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Post by bellish82 on Jul 4, 2011 0:27:20 GMT -5
Hi,
My friend told me to join this site. She thought it might be good for me.
I'm a member of two sexual assault forums, but I've never felt completely comfortable in either. I help others, but still can't bring myself to share my own story.
It haunts me on a daily basis, like a ghost - no a demon - always next to me, stalking me every night in nightmares. Almost three years since the rape, it still feels like it was yesterday.
I was also abused by my cousin from around the age of 4 to 7, but I'm detached from it. Like maybe it happened to another little girl, not me. I haven't started to deal with that yet. And my father...he never touched me...just made me watch him touch himself. Again, more detachment.
That's the first time I've ever told anyone about my cousin and father. Thought I'd blurt it out and see how I feel...sick, shaky, burning up, but I'm not going to delete it, I want to, but I'm not going to. I can't believe I did this.
Thanks for reading.
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Post by harmonystarr on Jul 4, 2011 11:34:36 GMT -5
@ bellish82.....I am so glad you decided to give this forum a chance. I hate that you never felt comfortable in your other ones!! Things like that seem to make it harder than it already is to open up!! I know how hard it was for you to acknowledge what happened to you. Ive posted my stuff on here already but Ill tell you anyway. My brother molested me from the day I turned 6 til the day I turned 10 (thats why I HATE my birthday) I tried to tell my mom but she told me not to lie about things like that, so I never told anyone else, I didnt think they would believe me. I even detached myself from it to the point I almost completely convinced myself that I had lied about it. At the age of 13, I was assaulted by a group of 4 boys at my middle school and at the age of 20 I was raped by a stranger. I never told anyone about those. Figured they would just think I was lying. Im honestly not sure what was worse. I had to keep going to school with the boys that hurt me and I was around my brother everyday. I kept moving from parent to parent (they're divorced) trying to get away from them all. I even tried to kill myself just to escape, all that accomplished was having me committed. Although during that time I never talked about what had happened to me, at least I was away from them all, at least physically. They still haunted my dreams. The stranger rape, I wasnt knowingly around the person on a daily basis but I always wandered if every guy I seen was the one that raped me. This forum is the first time I ever told mmy story and didnt feel like I was going to be judged and I knew I would be believed. I hope that my sharing my story will help even one person feel more comfortable in sharing theirs, or at least make sure people knows they are not alone.
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Post by bellish82 on Jul 4, 2011 13:12:32 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing your story with me harmonystarr. I'm so sorry you weren't believed when you told your mom. I can't imagine what that was like. And to have to see your abusers everyday at home and school, I honestly have no words. I can't begin to imagine how that would feel. I can offer a safe, gentle hug though ((((((( harmonystarr))))))) I had a really bad night after posting this, I couldn't stop thinking about it all, but I'm glad I did it. I think I needed to take that step. Last night I realized my cousin didn't only sexually abuse me, he physically abused me too, jammed my fingers in doors, pushed me in rose bushes and beat me with a plastic sword toy to name a few. I even remembered the look on his face when he did it, he enjoyed it so much  |
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Post by harmonystarr on Jul 4, 2011 16:14:22 GMT -5
@bellish 82....My brother was the same way. He was very physically abusive. He blamed me for my parents splitting up because I was the result of my mothers affair. One time he threw a butcher knife at me and it stuck across my knee...still have the scar. I have lots of scars from him. It is something that will never be easy to deal with but it does get easier. Unfortunately sometimes (as you experienced last night) it gets harder before it gets easier. I am TRULY glad that you have joined out forum. I have come to know that the people on here are very accepting and nonjudgemental!! Thay are great at making you feel comfotable too. I hope that this plave helps you. If there is anyrhing you need please feel free to friend me on fb at Harmony Starr. Stay Strong Sweetie and know that You Are Not Alone!!
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Post by bellish82 on Jul 4, 2011 18:55:53 GMT -5
Thank You Harmony  Your kind words mean a lot <3 |
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Post by Carrie on Jul 4, 2011 19:30:09 GMT -5
Thank you both for sharing! I am sure this will help in the healing process. You both have loads of people here who will love you unconditionally and support you! No matter what! It will help more people to come forward, which will in turn help them! I am so proud of both of you! bellish82 I am glad you took my advice! This is the perfect place to put your demons! May now they will not live in your head!  @harmony BIG HUGS girl! <3 <3 |
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Post by opheliadrowns on Jul 4, 2011 23:45:38 GMT -5
I was sexually abused from the time I was somewhere between 3 and 4yrs old until I was a little over 7yrs old. My uncle started abusing me and telling me he was preparing me to bring the new "Christ Child" into the world and I would burn in hell if I didnt do what he told me to. When I got a little older and realized that what he was doing wasnt ok, I told my grandmother(it occured when she was babysitting me and he lived with her) and she slapped me across the face and told me that if I ever told anyone else, I would lose everyone, that my parents would get rid of me. Then she proceeded to help hold me down for him and clean me up after he was done with me. The sexual abuse ended when he was arrested and imprisoned for attempting to kill my grandmothers boyfriend and my great grandparents when I was 7 but she continued to keep threatening me until I was 22 and had ended up in a psych hospital for a failed suicide attempt and it finally came out to my parents and my dad confronted her. She then turned my fathers entire family against me and in turn against my dad. None of his family speaks to or acknowledges that I exist since 1997.
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Post by bellish82 on Jul 5, 2011 0:05:16 GMT -5
opheliadrowns Thank you for sharing Maybe we'll all be able to give each other the strength and support we all need. Hugs
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Post by opheliadrowns on Jul 5, 2011 0:09:09 GMT -5
If you ever want to talk, my instant messengers and facebook link are on my profile and of course you can always message me on here as well.
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Post by bellish82 on Jul 5, 2011 0:25:09 GMT -5
Thank you |
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