Drugs,suicide,sexual abuse, and domestic abuse.

[cariann33]

If anyone needs and ear,I am here on those four topics.I can relate.I have a hard time sharing my life with people but I wonder if I wouldn't be like this,had I had a site like this to go to, or people like you all to talk to.I would like to just tell you I have experienced all those things and that be the end,and for you to know I am here if you guys need me,however I know just because I tell you this wont make it easy for you to know that you can lean on me or ask me for help.I have only shared bits of my life story with my sisters and recently with a friend I had found on Katherine's page.I write and that helps me and someday soon it will help someone else,the point is it is not helping anyone now.I am able to give out so much love to others but it is selective toward topics.Death,friendship,relationships,etc.etc.I never offer up the love you need to help someone through these four topics above because I am scared they will ask me about my dealings with these topics.Selective love is what I have been giving and its wrong,and I am sorry.Here are bits of me and they aren't very pleasant but I do understand and am here if you want to talk..

Norco,Vicodin,xanax,effexor,benadryl,soma,oxycodin,anything hydrocordone based..I ate them like candy..I sold them.I tried killing myself with them.If you need help getting off of them let me know and I will help.I detoxed myself,and figured out ways around the addiction itself.Maybe it will work for you as well.

I was molested at a young age by someone who I now see everyday.I was raped and beaten a year and a half ago,by a man who had been my bestfriend before I met the woman I was with for 11.5 years and was there for me after the break-up.I never saw it coming.I was so fucked up on drugs and alcohol because I was so depressed about my break-up,my life,the person I had become when I was with me ex,that I never saw him as a threat.He took me to see my handicapped cousin who was dying at UCLA that night,and after he kicked the shit out of me and raped.So if you want to talk I do understand.

11.5 years with my ex.She mostly was a mental abuser.She got physical a couple times but my mouth,not my fist usually got her to stop.My mouth used to be out of control when I was angry.I'm sure she thought I was nuts during those moments when she would be trying to choke me or pushing me around and all she got was my crazy responses in return.If you have had problems with a partner and want to talk I am here.

Suicide:( I have a hard time talking about this one..I am a very very spiritual person and so I tried for 6 months,everyday,and my body just wouldn't die.I tried and tried.I was taking no less then 20 different pills a day followed by a half a gallon of vodka..Plus I was snorting line after line..I know it sounds strange trying to kill myself that way,but I figured God would forgive me if I died that way instead of putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger.


It has taken me a bit to repair my core and I still haven't quite got it all the way.I do have it repaired enough to maybe help anyone of you,who needs a shoulder or ear.I gotcha.Thank you Sara D for dragging this shit out of me..And thank you Katherine for letting me feel like it is OK to share me,even the worst parts..

Much love for you all...Cari Ann/LGBT Arts

[Carrie]

Thank you for sharing your story! Love the name Cari BTW! I have a story similiar to yours without the molestation and physical abuse! Amen to you that you have survived all these horrific encounters! I have suffered with depression most of my life! Battled with pills & alcohol for most of my adult life! Whenever sometime traumatic happen always turned to the alcohol for an escape! The drinking became more and more! When I could get my hands on pills I would pop them as well! Even stole from my Mom's cabinent! This past April 9, I was arrested for DUI and possesion (had 2 Lortabs in my pocket)! I was only locked up for 24 hours but that was the worst and lowest point of my life! I had panic attacks the whole time I was there! For the past few months, I have been working on me, my body & my mind! Thanks to a very special person who I don't even know in real life but I saw a YouTube video with her responding about this sort of thing and I was intoxicated with how she handled the situation! I want to be clean & sober & in shape! Excercise has been THE best thing to keep my mind off the bad plus it helps with the depression. I am no longer on any meds for this! The adrenaline / endorphins I get from pushing myself physically has been a natural high for me!

BTW - There are people here for you as well!

[mightymouse]

I called Narcotics line for help and they didn't give me any. I don't know if I am addicted to drugs or not cause my doctor tells me I can take it to help myself. I think I am but I don't know if I'm ready to give them up yet cause I don't have healthy tools to cope with yet. The pills are like my friends they help me when I've had a bad day and make me feel better. WHat is so wrong with that?

[fairygirl]

wishing I could be in the computer right now, and not be even a little bit in my own body, not doing well today. Please forgive me for not being happy, I try so hard, but today everything hurts so much.My heart is so broken, and so unloved, and hurts so much. I am not really anywhere anyway, I shouldn't even feel anything but I still do. Soon I won't. I am scared, I am always so scared when I know this will happen. If I could know for certain that I could be accepted and loved, or at least cared about how I am, really and truly. But I don't even know who I am really. This probably makes no sense, and I am very sorry. Please God, Universe, Spirit, help me. It hurts so much

[cariann33]

@taurus..Thank you!My parents named me on the way to the hospital after the Holly's song Cari Ann..I really don't care for it, but with all the songs in the 70's,I guess my name could have been a whole lot worse...lol..It sounds like you are doing alot better.I feel you on the depression and having crutches to deal with it.Now my crutches are my niece and nephew.When I am feeling like I am about to go under again I hang out with them.Kids,for me,are a cure all in addition to prayer,meditation,exercise and good friends/family.Have you tried meditating at all?It helps as well.I also thank you for being here for me as well.I appreciate that alot..Hope everything is going well for you.Anytime you need an ear you can also hit up my face book page if you aren't already there.Have a great day!Cari Ann

[opheliadrowns]

I've never used illegal drugs but I have a love for any painkiller with codeine or codeine derivatives in it. Since I was like 14-15 I have intentionally injured myself to get scripts for pain meds. They just make me feel so numb and free from the pain of my emotions.

[cariann33]

@mighty...I am sorry that you are feeling the way you are at this moment in your life.I'm sorry that when you sought out help you instead hit a wall.I am going to let you know how I feel about your statement regarding pills.First,let me start by saying that I was on and off them for about 6 years.Everyones body is different,so some people may need a Lil extra help in coping.When that little extra help turns into-you cant function without them,it is a problem.I do not believe in the US health care system,so just because the doctor said you should take them doesn't mean he/she is correct.I was told I was manic depressive and Bi-polar and given lithium on top of the illegal pills I was already taking.Because I was told now,after 34 years of my life had gone by,I am bi-polar and manic..I almost died again because i was diagnosed incorrectly.I am not Bi-Polar,but I do get bouts of depression.Look into yourself.Dig deep.You need to try to fix your core,so your mind/body will be free again from the dependency.You have real friends/family and some virtual friends that can be better than any pill you could ever take.I am not saying that sometimes pills are not needed,but get a second and third opinion before doing everything your doctor tells you to do.I am here for you anytime you need me..Much love for you..Stay strong and know I am here for you no matter what..Cari Ann

[cariann33]

@ophelia....
I have been there..It is not a fun place..They are great for that,the only problem is when your off them,the physical and emotional pain is 1000 times worse then ever picking them up at all.Life is about feeling everything.The good and the bad.Our core/soul will never progress if we do not feel these things.I believe you have a good soul otherwise you wouldn't be posting this..If you numb your emotions how will people be able to love the real you?How will you love back.I know when I was on them loving people was easy and thinking they loved me back "for real" was even easier.What I really didn't understand is I was really numb to everything around me,and I numbed my core.An UN-emotional core is good to no one.It is going to hurt like hell but that is what the people who love you are here for.Sometimes you have to hurt to heal..I got ya if you ever want to talk.Sending my prayers and thoughts your way..Much love..Cari Ann

[opheliadrowns]

Sometimes it seems like my only choice is between cutting myself to stop the intensity of my emotions or to take pills that will numb me from feeling the intensity of them. Its like I feel things TOO much and that makes me feel like I am out of control. It takes me so long to get back to a normal state of emotions once I am triggered and even after almost 15yrs in therapy, I still don't have it mastered in how to get myself in control without pain or pills.

[Carrie]

@cariann... Hhhmmm... My Mother told me I was named after the Buddy Holly song. My name is Carrie Anne. LOL! I have not tried meditation yet. A friend of mine suggested some DVDs and I want to go to some Yoga classes. At this moment I can not afford either. Since March, I have lost my house, my license, my job and on my way of losing my car. I know these are only material things but I had worked so hard (and I'm a single Mom) at gaining all these things. Now I am living with my Mother. Who is a very negative person! I am having a very HARD time dealing with all my shit and her as well! At least with all this I pray my son learns the same lesson I have... DO NOT DRINK and Drive! WoW! Feeling much better! I think I have seen you on Kat's FB page! Thanks, Carrie

[cariann33]

@ophelia>I am sorry.I did not see your second post.You wrote that you feel too much.It is better to feel to much then nothing at all.The first two weeks after detoxing myself from the pills I felt WAY too much,then 4 months after I felt nothing.I really felt nothing.No emotion at all.I had screwed myself up soo bad with the pills I literally felt nothing.I faked every emotion imaginable to keep my family from thinking I was drowning in my depression again..I had to search my core and find something suitable for me to help myself,and I did.I feel again,and yes sometimes it is way too much,but I cherish that I can feel with my soul again.I wont ramble on about what worked for me..If you want to know some examples feel free to ask,here or on my FB.Please Ophelia,FEEL FEEL FEEL TOO MUCH!It may not seem a blessing but it is.How are you managing yourself as of late?My thoughts and prayers are with you girlie..Much love Cari

[opheliadrowns]

The intensity of emotions that I feel make me feel scared and out of control. Taking the pills or hurting myself stops them and then I feel back in control. I spent most of my life faking emotions cuz all I felt was dead and empty inside all the time from constantly numbing myself through pain and pills. Right now, my emotions seem to be all out of control and I dont even know why. I keep having rapid mood swings with no reason I can figure out. I will be fine then feel so sad that it makes me feel like it takes all my energy just to breathe then feel so enraged that I just want to destroy everything around me. I see my psychiatrist in the morning so I am hoping she will be able to help me figure this out some.