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Post by harmonystarr on Jun 19, 2011 13:25:01 GMT -5
Part of me is scared to death to be talking about this. I have been a cutter since a very early age. People have told me that Im crazy or stupid because of it and all I can say to them is if you're not a cutter you will never understand. I admire you Kat that you have found other ways to deal with your issues. I can go a long time without cutting but I end up cutting again. I have went 2 years this time without cutting which is the longest I have ever went but I am scared that I will end up cutting again. The last time I cut myself was when my nephew died and Im afraid that it will happen again when I lose someone I love, and unfortunately that time is fast approaching. People dont understand why I cut, but the fact is I liked the pain because I was numb and the pain made me realize I was still alive. I hope more people will try to understand a cutter and not just judge them and think they're crazy. Thanks Kat for the chance to let this out!!
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Post by electprogeny on Jun 19, 2011 13:52:25 GMT -5
I have often heard that same reason from others I know who have done it. I am so sorry that cutting has been the best or only way for you to feel something enough to know you are alive.
If I could I would wrap you up in my arms and hold you until you could feel love, in the hopes that feeling that love would help you to heal.
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Post by biancah03 on Jun 19, 2011 13:52:28 GMT -5
Thank you Harmonystarr for sharing that with us, I know it's a hard thing to do. I have ever actually told anyone or even said aloud that I self harm. I've only cut a few times, I love the release I get from it and I love seeing the blood, but I hate the slicing feel. So, I hit myself. I punch myself in the face, as hard as I can. I love it, and am ashamed by it. I love the instant swell and rush of heat to the area. I love the pain that follows, I love the pain in my knuckles. I used to punch walls and doors, I got in trouble so i got a punching bag. It wasn't enough though, I needed to feel more. Some times I can go a few months without doing it, but lately its been a pretty regular thing. I'm scared I'll really damage my orbital bones, or my brain, but not enough to stop.
Thank you Kat for being so forthcoming with your stories, and giving us a chance to let some of what we're holding onto out. I truly love your heart and soul. ♥
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Post by harmonystarr on Jun 19, 2011 13:59:44 GMT -5
biancah03, thanks for sharing that, actually hitting myself is something I do too. It has taken the place of the cutting until its so bad that I just have to cut. I have hit walls and doors too but usually I sit down and beat the hell out of my legs. I understand the rush you get out of it. I feel that same rush. My reasoning for doing this is that I would rather hit and hurt myself than to hurt someone else. Sometimes its about anger but more times than not its about feeling something. Just know that I am hear for you and anyone else that wants to talk!!
<3 to all of you
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Post by steellily on Jun 19, 2011 14:40:14 GMT -5
I cut because blood is the only thing that stopped the abuse that was happening when I was a kid. It proves to me that I'm real and when my panic attacks get so bad I can barely breathe, it brings me quickly back to reality and reminds me that I'm safe.
I had gone about 6months without cutting but I broke last week and it's harder now to fight the urge than it was before. Honestly I'm not sure if I'll make it through the day without doing it. I am trying but it's hard. Sorry.
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Post by harmonystarr on Jun 19, 2011 16:38:19 GMT -5
steellily Dont ever be sorry for how you are feeling. I understand how hard it is to fight the urge. I used to do well to make it an hour without cutting myself. I started cutting myself at age 6 shortly after I started being abused. Some of the scars are gone but some will never go away. I have been fighting this for 25 years. I havent cut myself in two years but that doesnt mean I wont do it again. All we can do is take it moment by moment and fight the urge as hard as we can. However, if we do give into the urge, we can't let it make us feel guilty for giving in, all we can do is keep trying to never do it again. Im so glad that you guys are sharing so much in here. It makes me feel like I can keep opening up!! I love you guys and I love Kat for making all of this possible!!
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Post by jatucker81 on Jun 19, 2011 19:47:29 GMT -5
I commend ya'll for coming out about this topic. I myself have recently came out as a cutter. The last time I cut was a couple of weeks ago. It was severe (the worse I've ever done), but I felt I had no other choice at the time. I believe harmonystarr is right, take it moment by moment and fight the urge as hard as we can....but we have to remember if we give in, to still be gentle with ourselves. I think we can all learn from each other and maybe with face2face - we can help others. I'm always around if ya'll ever want/need to talk.
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Post by mightymouse on Jun 20, 2011 7:20:28 GMT -5
I like to cut - it's mine. Why is it so wrong to cut?
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Post by steellily on Jun 20, 2011 12:26:12 GMT -5
Cutting activates certain chemicals in your brain. When we cut to deal with trauma and anxiety, our brain learns that the only way to feel safe and in control is to feel pain. There can be certain pleasure chemicals released in pain so the danger in cutting is rewiring your brain to think that pain is the only way to feel safety and control. Just like any substance, this can be addicting. The really big danger is when what used to work is suddenly not enough and we have to go further and further to get the same chemical release.
Don't misread me, cutting is largely not associated with wanting to kill oneself though the two can go together. The real problem lies (just like in drug addiction potential for overdoses) when our bodies tell us we need more to achieve the same effect. Then where is the line?
Does that make sense?
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Post by raindrops111 on Jun 20, 2011 14:56:52 GMT -5
I first tried cutting four years ago, but I never did it regularly until two years ago. It got pretty bad and I tried to stop a few times, but I couldn't quit for more than a few weeks. I am trying to stop again and so far I have made it 4 months. I hope that this time I really will stop for good. steellily I completely agree. I loved the release I felt when I cut, and the more often I cut, the more I felt I needed to do to feel better. It really is addicting. |
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Post by brittainesagan on Jun 20, 2011 16:21:02 GMT -5
biancah03 i do the same thing...I've broken the bone in my middle knuckle on my right hand and on my right cheek bone half the blood vessels are broken so it's red all the time
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Post by harmonystarr on Jun 20, 2011 19:41:37 GMT -5
raindrops111.....Congrats on being cut free for four months. I know that its hard but like I said you just have to take it moment to moment. Most of the times that I cut was because I was broken so bad that I felt numb. The pain inside had become so intense that I felt as if I had died and I would cut myself so I could feel something, anything again and because it made me feel alive. Although there were times that I cut myself out of anger, mine own way of saying fuck you to the world. Showing everyone that I could do what I wanted. At those times I was trying to gain control but the truth is I was completely out of control. Everyday I think about cutting myself, for the most part now it is just a fleeting thought, however it has been really intense lately. I am in the process of losing a friend to cancer and Im in a volatile situation with his wife, so once again I am feeling immense pain and a sense of being out of control and all I can do is hope that I make it through without picking up my blade. But to be perfeclt honest.....I dont know if Ill make it.
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Post by opheliadrowns on Jun 20, 2011 23:57:53 GMT -5
My most common reason for hurting myself now is out of fear of being abandoned by someone who matters alot to me. For me, abandonment even includes death. Other things that make me feel the need to cut is cuz I feel "too much" or "too intensely." If i feel too scared, too angry or too upset, it feels like I need to hurt myself in order to get back in control. I have been hurting myself since I was bout 6 yrs old but I have made it 1296 days without cutting right now
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Post by biancah03 on Jun 21, 2011 11:27:01 GMT -5
I am so proud of all of you who are fighting the urges and succeeding. I am also proud of everyone who has opened up about themselves. I makes me feel not so alone. thank you♥ brittainesagan I know what you mean my hands always red and cold. they ache all the time. I haven't broken or bruised my face much which I'm thankful for I would hate t try and explain that. |
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Post by brittainesagan on Jun 21, 2011 12:25:33 GMT -5
It was easier to cover up when I was in high school because I played sports so that was always my excuse for the bruises
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