Post by electprogeny on Jun 19, 2011 14:42:04 GMT -5
Kat, I love your soul but damn woman... *sigh*
I am a survivor of childhood sexual and physical abuse by more abusers than I can name. How and why that happened and who all was involved is not important to me anymore, all that matters now is that I survived it.
Part of my getting away from it was to run away from home at the age of 14. Eventually I was able to go live with my other parent who I never really knew before then. It took me MANY years not to fear every mistake I made out of fear of being harmed for it. I am not now sure if I would ever have known that normal people did not live as I had if I had not gone to live elsewhere.
Many years later, while in college (at a southern baptist college in the deep south), a young man studying to be a youth-minister who was attending the school as I started dating. I was really just starting to try to live a normal life at that point. Pretty early into our dating relationship he raped me - twice. The details of that are not something I wish to relay - I tried once recently with someone and that did not go so well.
When I reported it to the college I was the one they held responsible for it since it happened in my on-campus apartment. They never even questioned him or looked into it - they simply told me I had consented and was then later calling it something else - I realize now this was probably for legal reasons. He was never punished and stayed living on campus and even in the same classes with me.
From that point forward I could no longer bring myself to sit in a Church or be associated with the ministry as I once was. I cannot even begin to describe the emotions that boil in me when I think about it, so I choose not to think about it.
Fast forward almost 20 years and I am in therapy for my PTSD. I have, apparently, every symptom of it except for rage (which I probably would have if I was prone to anger). I have been learning how to manage my symptoms and to deal with stress appropriately so that it no longer wears me down like it used to do.
I am now at a point where I have been, voluntarily, weaning myself from anxiety medications. So far that has been going very well. I still get anxious sometimes, and I still experience and unbelievable amount of difficulty with some situations but I know it will get better. I write and in my writing all of my emotions I cannot understand or unravel - and when I read through my work I realize one thing stands out in everything I write from the heart... hope.
So even if it never gets better, I know I can get better. I have chosen not to let these events define who I am. I am not my PTSD. I am me.
Wherever you are on your journey - it gets better. Know that it does. None of these things were my fault. None of your things were your fault. Your past will always be a part of who you are - but it does not have to define you. You are not your trauma. You are you.
---
Kat... between you and T, I'm not sure I'm not going to end up an emotional wreck this summer. lol
I am a survivor of childhood sexual and physical abuse by more abusers than I can name. How and why that happened and who all was involved is not important to me anymore, all that matters now is that I survived it.
Part of my getting away from it was to run away from home at the age of 14. Eventually I was able to go live with my other parent who I never really knew before then. It took me MANY years not to fear every mistake I made out of fear of being harmed for it. I am not now sure if I would ever have known that normal people did not live as I had if I had not gone to live elsewhere.
Many years later, while in college (at a southern baptist college in the deep south), a young man studying to be a youth-minister who was attending the school as I started dating. I was really just starting to try to live a normal life at that point. Pretty early into our dating relationship he raped me - twice. The details of that are not something I wish to relay - I tried once recently with someone and that did not go so well.
When I reported it to the college I was the one they held responsible for it since it happened in my on-campus apartment. They never even questioned him or looked into it - they simply told me I had consented and was then later calling it something else - I realize now this was probably for legal reasons. He was never punished and stayed living on campus and even in the same classes with me.
From that point forward I could no longer bring myself to sit in a Church or be associated with the ministry as I once was. I cannot even begin to describe the emotions that boil in me when I think about it, so I choose not to think about it.
Fast forward almost 20 years and I am in therapy for my PTSD. I have, apparently, every symptom of it except for rage (which I probably would have if I was prone to anger). I have been learning how to manage my symptoms and to deal with stress appropriately so that it no longer wears me down like it used to do.
I am now at a point where I have been, voluntarily, weaning myself from anxiety medications. So far that has been going very well. I still get anxious sometimes, and I still experience and unbelievable amount of difficulty with some situations but I know it will get better. I write and in my writing all of my emotions I cannot understand or unravel - and when I read through my work I realize one thing stands out in everything I write from the heart... hope.
So even if it never gets better, I know I can get better. I have chosen not to let these events define who I am. I am not my PTSD. I am me.
Wherever you are on your journey - it gets better. Know that it does. None of these things were my fault. None of your things were your fault. Your past will always be a part of who you are - but it does not have to define you. You are not your trauma. You are you.
---
Kat... between you and T, I'm not sure I'm not going to end up an emotional wreck this summer. lol
