Confused and profoundly sad. . .

[fairygirl]

Yesterday was very, very difficult for me, and today, I am not doing very well. I have no one to call. . . I see my therapist tomorrow, and can't bother her today. I can not burden my closest friend, because I am terrified she will push me away, and I know I would harm myself in someway if that were to happen again. She is the only one who I feel completely safe with, and comfortable in her arms. I can feel myself becoming more and more fuzzy and unreal as each minute passes. I was sexually, and physically abused by my adopted father, from a very young age. . . I am having horrible body memories, and such confusing feelings right now, yesterday too. Today it's worse though. I don't even know why I am writing this. Part of me hopes no one reads this because, really, I should not exist. Another part of me hopes if I write my feelings, they will leave me, and I'll feel better, but all I can do is cry, and wish so much I had a mommy. I did have an adopted mother, when I lived with the family who hurt me. But she didn't care that he hurt me so much, she hated me because of it, she did not save me. . . she let me, a little toddler, bleed, and cry and didn't help me. Soon I knew how to not feel any pain, I still can make pain not feel like pain. I am so grateful this is anonymous (sp???) I don't know what will happen to me today, my heart hurts so much, and I can not handle it. I see her (me) a bloody, nearly dead, 3 year old, and no one will save me. I guess I just am so sad because my heart hurts so much because I just wish I could have a hug. I am so scared and alone with this, and I am slipping. I am scared of myself. . .

[steellily]

Oh honey, if I could jump through the computer and wrap you in hugs, I totally would right now. I so understand the wanting but not wanting to be seen thing. As well as the fear of pushing friends away if you share too much or are too honest. It's terrifying to think that if you make yourself totally vulnerable and say this is what's going on that someone could have the response of "oh god here we go again" or "just get over it already" or anything like that. I had a bad day yesterday myself. Maybe it's the lingering effects of the full moon and eclipse.

As scary as it sounds to hear and as comforting as it is to hear, you are seen here. And this is safe. I'm wondering if your therapist has worked with you on any coping skills or grounding techniques for when you are feeling this way. If not I'd be more than happy to share some with you that have helped and do help me. By no means are they a cure all but they can help re-orient you to the present and help your brain and body get in alignment with your current surroundings.

As someone incredihesitant to take medications, for right now, you may want to talk to your therapist about depression or anxiety meds. Body memories are the worst and when I'm in the midst of them I know all I'd love to have are safe loving arms wrapping me up and telling me that I'm safe and no one will hurt me. I'm doing my best right now to send you safe psychic energy.

I am absolutely here if you want to talk more. Please keep sharing and being honest. It has to get better.

[sharilla]

Jun 20, 2011 7:50:25 GMT -5 fairygirl said:

Yesterday was very, very difficult for me, and today, I am not doing very well. I have no one to call. . . I see my therapist tomorrow, and can't bother her today. I can not burden my closest friend, because I am terrified she will push me away, and I know I would harm myself in someway if that were to happen again. She is the only one who I feel completely safe with, and comfortable in her arms. I can feel myself becoming more and more fuzzy and unreal as each minute passes. I was sexually, and physically abused by my adopted father, from a very young age. . . I am having horrible body memories, and such confusing feelings right now, yesterday too. Today it's worse though. I don't even know why I am writing this. Part of me hopes no one reads this because, really, I should not exist. Another part of me hopes if I write my feelings, they will leave me, and I'll feel better, but all I can do is cry, and wish so much I had a mommy. I did have an adopted mother, when I lived with the family who hurt me. But she didn't care that he hurt me so much, she hated me because of it, she did not save me. . . she let me, a little toddler, bleed, and cry and didn't help me. Soon I knew how to not feel any pain, I still can make pain not feel like pain. I am so grateful this is anonymous (sp???) I don't know what will happen to me today, my heart hurts so much, and I can not handle it. I see her (me) a bloody, nearly dead, 3 year old, and no one will save me. I guess I just am so sad because my heart hurts so much because I just wish I could have a hug. I am so scared and alone with this, and I am slipping. I am scared of myself. . .

I know your pain and will listen. The hardest part is getting it all out. The tears that stream down your face as you write help to cleanse you. Let them flow. It will take time. There is not a magic cure for this. Be gentle with your self, try and accept who you are and love yourself. This may be the hardest to do, but try.
Know that there are people out there that are feeling the way you do. Though you may feel alone, you are not: You are connected to this community.

[electprogeny]

Jun 20, 2011 7:50:25 GMT -5 fairygirl said:

Yesterday was very, very difficult for me, and today, I am not doing very well. I have no one to call. . . I see my therapist tomorrow, and can't bother her today. I can not burden my closest friend, because I am terrified she will push me away, and I know I would harm myself in someway if that were to happen again. She is the only one who I feel completely safe with, and comfortable in her arms. I can feel myself becoming more and more fuzzy and unreal as each minute passes. I was sexually, and physically abused by my adopted father, from a very young age. . . I am having horrible body memories, and such confusing feelings right now, yesterday too. Today it's worse though. I don't even know why I am writing this. Part of me hopes no one reads this because, really, I should not exist. Another part of me hopes if I write my feelings, they will leave me, and I'll feel better, but all I can do is cry, and wish so much I had a mommy. I did have an adopted mother, when I lived with the family who hurt me. But she didn't care that he hurt me so much, she hated me because of it, she did not save me. . . she let me, a little toddler, bleed, and cry and didn't help me. Soon I knew how to not feel any pain, I still can make pain not feel like pain. I am so grateful this is anonymous (sp???) I don't know what will happen to me today, my heart hurts so much, and I can not handle it. I see her (me) a bloody, nearly dead, 3 year old, and no one will save me. I guess I just am so sad because my heart hurts so much because I just wish I could have a hug. I am so scared and alone with this, and I am slipping. I am scared of myself. . .

That little 3 year old survived. She is still hurting, but she survived.

All of your pain is vivid and real because that 3yr old has never been allowed to grow up and move beyond that moment in time. I hurt for you so much.

If it were possible to take this from you for even a moment - I would, and I would do so gladly. But who you are today is formed from your past and even if you are not at a point where you can love who you are - you can get there. To know the depths of pain like this is to be able to turn to your devices a power for positive that is uniquely powerful.

You have within you an ability to reach out to other 3yr olds trapped inside the body of another young (or old) adult. That kind of connection and understanding is a healing force in and of its own right.

I do not know what you see when you look in the mirror, but you are not damaged. You are not broken. You are not somehow "less" than others because of what you have endured - if anything you are more than what some people will ever be, because you have survived.

I do not know why humanity can be so horrid to commit such direct (and indirect) actions - especially against small children. It is something my mind cannot even begin to conceive. All I know is that for every dark moment of life, there are a multitude of ones made of light.

All we have to do is find that switch. It will get better. This is your life and you are not your trauma. You can choose to live your life and live it powerfully.

If you ever need to talk - I will always listen.