fears

[electprogeny]

Jun 16, 2011 18:29:33 GMT -5 charstarhardcore said:

My biggest fears is one i dont tell people, but its so simple... that im good enough to be f*cked but not good enough to be loved. x

*lets out a low whistle*

Talk about some raw honesty. I will say to you that you are good enough to be loved. You are even if you do not yet feel it. Love is one of the most powerful forces in the universe and you are not exempt from it.

You are good enough to give it and good enough to receive it. There may be people who do not appreciate the privilege of your love, but you are absolutely good enough to be loved. I only hope you recognize this, and that you also recognize the healthy kind of love. It should be healing, uplifting, and absolutely breathtakingly beautiful.

Never for even one moment should anyone ever think their only worth is in what someone can take from them. You have intrinsic value and not because someone gives it to you.

Believe that. Know that. Live that.

[electprogeny]

Jun 18, 2011 4:16:33 GMT -5 cariann33 said:

My biggest fear is to fall in love again.

Is it that you fear falling in love, or you fear what you risk when you do so? Love is always a wonderful thing.

I would hope for you a life of love that nurtures you and makes you feel safe.

[sharilla]

I fear being found.

[electprogeny]

Jun 19, 2011 14:35:57 GMT -5 sharilla said:

I fear being found.

Your post has made me pause for a while. If you are in danger of any kind, please take care for your safety. There are places that can help you to stay protected if it is needed.

I hope one day you will be able to feel safe, and that whatever has caused you to always need to be "lost" eventually is no longer a problem.

I know I am a complete stranger - but if you ever want to talk, I would make myself available for you.

[steellily]

Jun 19, 2011 14:35:57 GMT -5 sharilla said:

I fear being found.

Sorta similarly, I fear being seen, known and found out.

[electprogeny]

Jun 19, 2011 14:51:14 GMT -5 steellily said:

Jun 19, 2011 14:35:57 GMT -5 sharilla said:

I fear being found.

Sorta similarly, I fear being seen, known and found out.

Do you mean that metaphorically or physically?

[steellily]

Yes. Both.

[electprogeny]

Jun 19, 2011 15:58:35 GMT -5 steellily said:

Yes. Both.

With the metaphorical - keep up with your writing. You can reveal yourself there in all the raw emotion you can muster and only those who would never harm you are the ones who will see it for what it is.

For the physical... safety is such an important thing. As I recently said to another - always take steps for personal safety, and employ the resources that exist to help keep yourself safe.

*hugs*

[sharilla]

Jun 19, 2011 14:49:13 GMT -5 electprogeny said:

Jun 19, 2011 14:35:57 GMT -5 sharilla said:

I fear being found.

Your post has made me pause for a while. If you are in danger of any kind, please take care for your safety. There are places that can help you to stay protected if it is needed.

I hope you can one day you will be able to feel safe, and that whatever has caused you to always need to be "lost" eventually is no longer a problem.

I know I am a complete stranger - but if you ever want to talk, I would make myself available for you.

thank you for your kind offer. Know that I am safe, just struggle on a daily basis with my identity.

[electprogeny]

Jun 21, 2011 9:36:00 GMT -5 sharilla said:

Jun 19, 2011 14:49:13 GMT -5 electprogeny said:

thank you for your kind offer. Know that I am safe, just struggle on a daily basis with my identity.

I am relieved to know you are safe. What about your identity bothers you?

[sharilla]

Jun 21, 2011 17:14:26 GMT -5 electprogeny said:

Jun 21, 2011 9:36:00 GMT -5 sharilla said:

Jun 19, 2011 14:49:13 GMT -5 electprogeny said:

thank you for your kind offer. Know that I am safe, just struggle on a daily basis with my identity.

I am relieved to know you are safe. What about your identity bothers you?

I don't know who I am, what I want, I just exist

[electprogeny]

Jun 21, 2011 21:29:53 GMT -5 sharilla said:

Jun 21, 2011 17:14:26 GMT -5 electprogeny said:

I am relieved to know you are safe. What about your identity bothers you?

I don't know who I am, what I want, I just exist

To help you think of who you are - What do you love? What makes you laugh? What causes are you passionate about?

To help you think of what you want - What would you want for your child (or best friend, niece, nephew, etc.)

In the end we all "just exist". We all hope to make some major difference in the world. I say making a difference in even one person's life is cause for celebration - for we never know how that one person exponentially effects the lives of others.

I would like to use an example from a book I read MANY eons ago. It was called "13 Men Who Changed the World" and it was about the Disciples. I don't know how familiar you are with them (and I'm not at ALLLLLLLLL trying to "go religioius" here - it's just a great example of my point). The author "profiles" the personality types of the Apostles. I had 2 favorites.

One was on Andrew - who is actually the first Disciple, though most people think it is his brother Peter. Andrew was the first to be called - and he went to bring his brother. When we see him in Scripture we see him always bringing someone to Christ. Peter goes onto be THE big Apostle - preaching and bringing THOUSANDS to Christ... but Andrew? His was one person at a time. He was no Peter, but without Andrew there never would have been a Peter.

The other was on the Apostle James the Less. There are two Disciples named James. We know of one of them, but the other we know NOTHING about. He is listed with all the Disciples, but we never hear him speak. He never writes a Gospel or an Epistle. He never performs an action anyone records. We know NOTHING about him other than his name. But Christ called him for a reason. Perhaps his influence was not remarkable enough to be recorded, but was significant enough to be so valuable that of the millions of people from which to choose to become his Disciples, he chose this man.

I bring the example of these two, because I find them to be poignant reminders that it is okay to not want the spotlight. It is even ok to never get the spotlight. It does not mean you are unworthy. By no means. It means that WHATEVER your station in life - you are a person who matters, even when you think you don't.

[sharilla]

Jun 21, 2011 22:42:58 GMT -5 electprogeny said:

Jun 21, 2011 21:29:53 GMT -5 sharilla said:

I don't know who I am, what I want, I just exist

To help you think of who you are - What do you love? What makes you laugh? What causes are you passionate about?

To help you think of what you want - What would you want for your child (or best friend, niece, nephew, etc.)

In the end we all "just exist". We all hope to make some major difference in the world. I say making a difference in even one person's life is cause for celebration - for we never know how that one person exponentially effects the lives of others.

I would like to use an example from a book I read MANY eons ago. It was called "13 Men Who Changed the World" and it was about the Disciples. I don't know how familiar you are with them (and I'm not at ALLLLLLLLL trying to "go religioius" here - it's just a great example of my point). The author "profiles" the personality types of the Apostles. I had 2 favorites.

One was on Andrew - who is actually the first Disciple, though most people think it is his brother Peter. Andrew was the first to be called - and he went to bring his brother. When we see him in Scripture we see him always bringing someone to Christ. Peter goes onto be THE big Apostle - preaching and bringing THOUSANDS to Christ... but Andrew? His was one person at a time. He was no Peter, but without Andrew there never would have been a Peter.

The other was on the Apostle James the Less. There are two Disciples named James. We know of one of them, but the other we know NOTHING about. He is listed with all the Disciples, but we never hear him speak. He never writes a Gospel or an Epistle. He never performs an action anyone records. We know NOTHING about him other than his name. But Christ called him for a reason. Perhaps his influence was not remarkable enough to be recorded, but was significant enough to be so valuable that of the millions of people from which to choose to become his Disciples, he chose this man.

I bring the example of these two, because I find them to be poignant reminders that it is okay to not want the spotlight. It is even ok to never get the spotlight. It does not mean you are unworthy. By no means. It means that WHATEVER your station in life - you are a person who matters, even when you think you don't.

I love nature, I want people to be happy and healthy, I believe if you love someone and want to marry you should be able to (sex, race, religion should not play a part).

I can walk by a flower every day and not take it for granted, I look at it each day with wonder and wish people would not be jaded and take nature for granted. I try and help people think positive about themselves. When they speak negatively about themselves I say not to, we need to think positive about ourselves. I point out something positive about them and help them think a little better about themselves.

I do not take it for granted each day I am able to get up, work, provide for my self and others. I do not take it for granted that I live in a place where it is ok to disagree with the government and not have to worry about being tortured or killed.

I am thankful that every time I see a deer, fawn, turkey, hawk, eagle, rabbit, coyote or any type of wild life that I can be filled with joy and pleasure of having the privilege of that experience.

Still that does not keep me from feeling that somehow I am not worthy of love, a friend-anyone who will see me and accept me for who I am. Thus I fear being found. I don't know who I am because I seem to be busy being whatever someone else needs. How can I know what I want when everyone else's wants and needs are put ahead of my own. How can I share myself with another when I am not sure who I am? I am me and that is all I know.

thanks for listening/reading.....and thanks for having a forum to be able to do this

[steellily]

Shar, I went through months of feeling what you just described also. I filled journals with basically just the line, "who the hell am I?" over and over. I still wonder a lot but it's less on the foreground, probably because I have base Maslow needs to take care of now but it's still rough and I send you hugs.

I realized just recently that I also fear that I'm only good enough to be f***ed and not loved. That's a kick in the teeth.

[electprogeny]

Jun 24, 2011 19:59:21 GMT -5 steellily said:

Shar, I went through months of feeling what you just described also. I filled journals with basically just the line, "who the hell am I?" over and over.

I'm just going to suggest that perhaps asking the question once per day, and providing as many answers as spring to mind might help from that level of repetition. I believe very much in journaling.

I think if a person writes something about themselves every day that at the end of a month they will find much upon which to improve. I also think as you continue to do so you eventually find who you are without ever even realizing you were on that path.